It was hypothesized that self‐image goals to construct, defend, and maintain desired images of the self enhance relationship insecurity, whereas compassionate goals to support others diminish relationship insecurity. Study 1 followed 115 new college roommates for 3 weeks; Study 2 followed 230 new college roommates across a semester. Both studies assessed self‐image and compassionate goals for and anxiety and avoidance in the roommate relationship. Self‐image goals predicted increased relationship anxiety and avoidance across 3 weeks (Study 1) and within weeks, from week to week, and across 3 months (Study 2). Compassionate goals consistently predicted decreased relationship anxiety and avoidance across studies and analyses. These results suggest that through their interpersonal goals, people contribute directly to their own relationship insecurity.