A combined social constructivist and attachment theory approach can help in work with affairs. Using past empirical research, a case is made that vulnerability to affairs derives primarily from pressures on partnerships stemming from the dominant discourse of modern partnerships. This discourse exalts sharing and joining, subjugating the more common experience of couples that other meaningful relationships (including non‐sexual ones) augment and fill in gaps. Affairs may be seen as, perhaps misguided, attempts to address untenable goals of the dominant discourse. Concomitantly, attachment theory explains both the need to be in a variety of relationships, normally within a hierarchy (‘multiple attachments’) and also the extreme wounds attendant to the discovery of secret affairs. Using both these perspectives can be useful preceding attempts at forgiveness. It is argued that they help therapists to establish an empathic positioning toward both partners in the couple, rather than the moralistic one too frequently attendant in work with affairs.